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Billy Connelly Quotes
'If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?'
Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"
Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked. "Probably" said Paddy "She burns everything else"
A gypsy girl sent an email to an agony Aunt, "I am 12 years old and haven't had sex yet, do you think my brother is queer?"
My missus has just gone into hospital with 2 black eyes and a broken jaw!
It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio
Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its bollocks!!
They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right. After 8 pints I talk shit and can't drive!
Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist, "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?"
"No" she replies "its just regular porn you sick bastard"
A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said, "How can you tell them apart?
He said "her brothers got a moustache!"
My black eye & fat lip suggests that 'up the backside' was definitely the wrong answer, when my girlfriend asked me, "Where are you taking me for my birthday?'"
And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid.
"It's the best in the world", he said.
"What type is it?" I asked and he said,
"Ten past twelve"
